My Sudden Happiness

She was going to do it. I could feel it. I could see it in the way her eyes were locked on mine. I could see it in the way she looked at me, like I was the centre of her universe.
Emotions collided inside of me. I remember all the times I was hurt, all the times someone had used me. I still remember the times when I thought I was happy. But my happiness had always been fragile, crumbling apart with every glance you took at it.

Christina was one of these girls I thought I had been happy with. I believed we shared interests and that I really meant something to her, when we looked at the stars at night. I would have done everything for this girl. We had met at the park and the moment I saw her I started imagining our future. I wanted to marry her, adopt a child and live a happy life.

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And as we talked I really thought she wanted that too. We had it so good for a while. But the fassade was already crumbling and I refused to see it. All the texts she got. How she never had time for me after work. I think I have known the whole time, but I refused to belive, I refused to see.

Well, I refused to see, until she smacked it across my face. When I came home early from work. When I decided to take a walk in the park to calm my nerves. When I saw her at the park with another, kissing.

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My world had fallen into pieces that day and my faith with it. I did confront her, but all it did for me was make it worse. She had yelled at me how she had never truly loved me and just used me for money and quick wohoo. She had laughed at me because I had been so gullible. She had laughed at me for loving her.

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My heart was broken and my world was shattered. I had cried many nights under the sheets. I had vowed to myself to never let this happen ever again. I closed my heart and set up walls so high, that no one could climb them. And I was certain to keep this promise to myself. I thought I would make my life easier, but life was no friend of mine. When I believed everything under control, it just punched me in the face again and probably used knuckle-dusters to do it.

My family had been the only thing that had held me upright during these dark days after Christina’s betrayal. My mother had been ever so patient, she had cared for me, she listened to me. Even if it didn’t seem to help at all, I was so grateful. I couldn’t have coped without my mother.

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But it seemed like life didn’t want me to be happy. Deaths shadow fell upon my life. My heart almost stopped when I got the call from the hospital. I broke down where I stood and didn’t know how my life was going to go on know. I barely made it through the funeral. What had she done to deserve this?

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I had locked away all my emotions in a vault deep, deep inside my heart and thrown away the key. I would never let myself be hurt again. My walls were built even higher now. But Julie didn’t care. Julie just crushed my walls with a wrecking ball. Julie built me back up and showed me everything I had missed out on.

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And she never expected anything from me, she was my best friend and was ready to stir with me through all the troubles that may lie ahead. I was afraid of being hurt. But Julie was different. Julie was a ton of happiness compressed into a beautiful bouncing ball. She seemed to have all the energy and all the patience in the world. She knew all my stories and respected my feelings. She never tried to move past the friendship line. And I never did either. I was scared of losing her. Julie had brought me back to life and if she didn’t feel the same way about me, I would lose her forever. I could not, ever, let that happen.

But since Julie had come into my life, the walls I had built around my heart were shattered to pieces. My feelings for Julie grew stronger with every day. I started to notice more things about her. How beautiful she looked when she laughed. How cute she was when she fell asleep on the couch after a movie.

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Things had changed tonight. We had taken a long walk in the park and looked out over the river. The scenery was beautiful. We had lost ourselves in a deep conversation about love and the hurt we had both experienced in the past.

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Our hearts seemed to beat to the same drums. We had so much in common. She told me how she wanted to live a happy life and have her own family, just like me. It was the moment I could not hold my feelings in any longer. I knew I had to tell her. And if I was going to get hurt this time, it would be the last time. Forever.

I stuttered, when I tried to tell her, how I felt. How she had given me everything I had needed and how she had put me back on my feet. How I needed her. How I loved her. She just put her finger on my lips and looked me deep in the eyes. And that was the moment I knew she was going to do it. I was not going to lose her. She leaned forward and as our lips touched the whole world seemed to fall back in place for me.

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Everyone who had hurt me was simply swept away from my memory and there was only her. Our kiss made her my world. And just like that, for the first time in my life, I was truly happy.

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4 thoughts on “My Sudden Happiness

  1. I love this so much, I’m so glad you support love for everyone, and your stories show that being gay is never a bad thing and you’re a very good role model πŸ™‚ I love all your stories and I can’t wait to hear more!

    Like

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